It’s Not You, It’s Him

This one’s for the good girls. The ones who are misunderstood. The old souls. The independent and the strong girls. To the heartbroken and the hopefuls. The day dreamers and the hopeless romantics. The go getters. The cautious and the selective. The modest and the reserved. The sweethearts and the faithful girls. To the ladies on the street, but freaks in the sheets (lol that was a joke mom and dad). The homebodies. The girls whose version of “Netflix and Chill” involves a good rom-com and some pizza. To the girls who are a little scared, but the same girls who make guys even more scared. The girls who have ever been called “high-maintenance”, “innocent”, “naïve”, “prude”, “stubborn” or “goodie goodie”. Go ahead , take a bow and hold your head up high babe. This one is for are the good girls who remain lost in this modern day form of college dating. Sure, we might be a dying breed, but fear no more. You are not alone.

Everyone copes with heartbreak differently. Some go for the rebound, some people grieve for months, some people change altogether, and some people haven’t even experienced there first true heartbreak. For me it was a combo of grieving and changing. Once I was able to find myself and learn to love myself alone, I then started to see what I want in another person in the future. With that being said, as I first entered the college dating scene, I quickly learned my thought process was way to deep from what was actually occurring.

It’s a dating life that entails lots waiting around for a text, random hookups, one-night stands, surface level conversations, and cheating. None of which has ever sounded appealing to me. So what’s a girl to do? I can’t just sit around waiting for mister right to come along. No, us girls have to strap up and go in for battle. For lack of better words, we have to try to dodge a lot of the b***s*** that comes along way because most college aged males right now are idiotic (there brains are still developing apparently). So if you’re a “good girl” fighting in this battle field of love right now just keep in mind- its not you, its him.

Most guys in college are not even looking for any sort of commitment. Your twenties are your selfish years, as they should be. All boys really need to worry about is sleeping, eating, getting to class on time and maybe whether or not to hit the gym. And obviously, no time for romance with all the bromance. Us women are different, we basically try to solve all the worlds problem in one day, while trying to handle are own, so fitting a guy into are schedule is no big deal.

The problem is that boys are surrounded by so many different types of girls right now. Go ahead, mix that with alcohol and the influence of their “bros”, and you can kiss any type of mature logic goodbye. I mean why go for the cute girl with morals and expectations when there is another decent looking girl right next to her willing to put out for the night? Unfortunately, a lot of girls in college are going along with this random hookup or friend-with-benefits type of culture, so guys just don’t know how to act like actual men. Don’t lose hope and don’t stoop down to their level. Stand your ground and don’t be afraid of looking like the crazy b***h. I would rather tell a guy what I expect and get labeled crazy, then be labeled easy. Excuse me for wanting to be respected.

Whether guys admit it to you or not, its attractive to be the good girl. They want to end up with a girl like you, but they just can’t handle you right now. The truth is you scare them. The thought of taking you on a real date and speaking actual words to you sounds like either too much work or way too intimidating. Even more so, letting a girl like you fully into his life would totally interfere with his normal playboy escapades…and oh what a tragedy that would be.

Since you’re a good girl after all, you don’t just let any guy into your life, but every now and then, there’s that one charming guy who slides under your f**kboy radar. He tells you everything you want to hear because he’s smooth after all. A girl like you attracts him; not only are you hot duh, but you have you priorities straight. You have good morals, and you challenge him. Don’t get me wrong, not all guys consciously have false intentions. I think it’s a mix of the thrill of the chase and them genuinely thinking you’re different from most girls in college. So what happens when you fall for a, lack of a better term, f**kboy? Because sooner or later, its going to happen.

Even being as selective as I am, it’s happened to me a handful of times. I am not actively searching for love by any means, but romance is something all girls think about. Therefore, when you meet a guy who pursues you for a short period of time, its only natural to get excited about the possibility this might be something real.

It all feels good at first, sometimes to good to be true. The conversations are easy and he makes you laugh. He’s obviously outgoing because a shy guy would never pursue you in the first place. On top of the good conversation, he will compliment your beauty and the way you make him feel. He might even go as far to talk about things you both should do together or things he wants to do for you. When you are not together, you will get texts and snap chats that make you giddy and smile like a little girl. But you’re still different from the other girls, he knows you’re not a booty call and he likes this challenge. Since he’s confident, he’s not afraid to make a move when the time is right and of course he will know what he’s doing. He’s attractive, you’re a young female with raging hormones and you feel like he really cares, so it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. It might seem romantic and genuine, but stop right there. This situation has a 99% chance of failure.

If you’re lucky you’ll catch the red flags early before things get to far. If you stand your ground and make this guy realize he has to commit, and work for a girl like you, mark my words, he will quickly put on the breaks. He will not ask you out or take you out. You might still get random texts or snap chats because he still thinks about you. It does suck really bad because you remember all the stupid conversations about how much he liked you or what you all were going to do together. Don’t feel like this was all a lie. He probably meant those things at the time and probably still wants that, but he simply can’t follow through right now. Honey, he can’t handle a girl like you and he knows it.

He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. Meaning he wants you, but wants to mess around at the same time. Don’t take it personally, even though most girls do. Girls wonder what is wrong with them or what they did wrong. Never change who you are to satisfy the temporary needs a young boy. No matter how attractive or cool you think this guy is, it’s much hotter to wait for a guy who only wants you.

These guys don’t know any better right now because of this culture that surrounds them. In a college boy’s perfect world, they could hang out and kiss on the good girl, while still playing around with easy girls on the side. Don’t ask me why. I have no earthly idea why this is appealing because most female brains don’t work that way.

They might not realize it now because they are caught up in this college scene, but they will regret letting you go later. Random hookups will get old. Getting wasted and waking up with someone they have no feelings for will get old. They don’t respect a girl like that, so don’t ever be that girl. They will not take a girl like that home to their mom. Like, ”Hey momma I’d like you to meet Susie when its late and I’m lonely I ask her to come over, so we can have sex.” Laugh out loud, no sweetie, love doesn’t work that way.

What I do know is this: Love exists. It’s around you right now. I’ve learned to spend time with people who I know love me for who I am and what I value. Focus on people you know will never leave your side. Invest in all of your friendships because guys will come and go- but you always have your friends. So go out with your girls, have sleepovers, and take each other on dates- Because this is the time to build those friendships that you will have throughout your life.

Develop a love for yourself. Find out what you are passionate about and go with that. You were not born with talents and desires for no reason, so strive for your dreams. Focus on taking advantages of what opportunities are currently in your life and use those to work toward your goals. Do the things that make you happy. It sounds studpidly simple, but so many girls forget to make time for themselves because they are so worried about pleasing everyone else. You do you boo-boo. Now is the time to be independent.

Your great love is coming, just give it time. It’s going to come when you least expect it. My parents have been married almost 30 years and both of them found each other in the most unlikely of circumstances. This goes for many other successful couples. It comes after you’ve hit your lows, find out who you are, and most importantly love who you are.

Sure, you might not find your sole mate in college, but you never know. Keep an open mind and always keep yourself open to new experiences. Yes, boys drive us crazy, but don’t be discouraged from dating guys by any means. Have fun and meet new guys, but always stay guarded. Don’t set your expectations to high.

All of these small heartbreaks are teaching you what you potentially want and don’t want in a man in the future. So learn to see every ending as a new beginning and never apologize for being who you are. If a guy, or anyone else for that matter, treats you like anything less than you deserve don’t be afraid to shut that door and teach them a lesson.

You’re the girl some guy out there is praying for. So- if you’re one of these girls stuck searching for the real in a relationship within this confusing culture of dating, defeat the disappointment, stay true to yourself. And remember – its not you, it’s him.



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