I Can’t Breathe, Like Literally, I Can’t Even

“You can’t breathe- so you write.”

I am not sure who spoke those words, so if you know, please feel free to comment. This is just a simple quote I have always related too. They could not be more real for me and it got me thinking…

Right now, I can’t breathe.

Not entirely sure if it’s my twenty-one year old hormones in the works or due to the fact that I have been one week, cold-turkey off of my anxiety meds (Hashtag kinda blessed, kinda not blessed).

Ok, it might sound dramatic. Physically, I know I am fine. Air is still flowing in and out of my lungs. But mentally, I have hit a hard spot, which makes me feel as if I can’t breathe. This is something that has been happening quite frequently the past couple of months.

Have you ever felt as if you couldn’t breathe? Something you want seems so out of reach and you feel a sharp pain in your heart? Or you just have those days where you feel utterly defeated and you want to bitch out the universe for wronging you so deeply!?

Well for me, like most of my Mondays, I enjoy being very petty with the universe.

I spent today sleeping in because I really would like to skip Monday in general. Finally, I woke up to face the day by having enough coffee to fuel a small country. Then, I began searching into the depths of cyber space to find my purpose in life (A.K.A- a job).

After about 5 minutes of my clearly, intense search, I went to my bathroom, turned on rap music and cried.

…Like…ya’ll what. I cried to freaking rap music today, so I hope that makes you feel better about your life.

If you need to cry, just cry. Don’t hold that energy in.

Honestly, you might be crazier than me if you never cry. Everyone needs a good cry, like every girl needs a good vibrator.

Just don’t tell anyone, like I am, or people will be like…”That dramatic, bitch needs to get her shit together. And omg, did she just mention vibrators. Scandalous.” Well opps, it’s one of those days.

Anywho, about two weeks ago, I was on a role and at a high. The following week, on the other hand, was a suck-fest.

I was planning to move to New York, as I was in a third interview with a dream entertainment writing job.

In my mind, I thought “This is it, I can start living out my dream.” I started apartment searching. Basically, I was planning on being the next Carrie Bradshaw, but on steroids and with cheaper shoes.

But God was like, “Take a seat Leah, not so fast.”

The HR phone-call I had been waiting for was not at all what I was expecting. They went with someone older and more experienced and blah-blah-blah.

So, now it’s a new Monday and I am back to the drawing board of my life. Currently, having a mental breakdown.

People are like, “You are so young, give it time”. My parents are like, “You’re ass needs to be more realistic and just get a job.” And I’m over here like, “I just want to follow my dreams. I want to start impacting people. I want to have a purpose in this damn world, like, NOW.”

With so many opinions being thrown at me, and just the general expectations that society has for us, I have been finding it extremely challenging to listen to my own voice. What do I want?

It is very odd predicament that I am in. Although I want opinions of people older and wiser, I also just do not want the opinions of people older and wiser.

I feel as times change, ideas about success are always evolving.

Also, everyone’s success story is completely unique to them, so why should I have to go about achieving something the same way so-and-so did?

At the same time, I am obsessed with hearing about other people stories and experiences.We can all learn from each other and mimic certain things. However, it’s inevitable that your own path to success, love and life is going to be original.

So with all of these questions running through my blonde, dramatic and anxiety filled head: Where is the balance? I don’t like to settle. And I always feel like everyone should follow their dreams. But our society is screaming at us all to be realistic.

Who even set the terms for what is realistic And why should we aim for a “realistic” life?

Well Leah…maybe it’s because you have to make decent money to survive on this planet? Maybe because people will think you are crazy for not doing what everyone else is doing? Maybe you will just fail and look stupid?

These are the current thoughts weighing down on my soul and it’s exhausting.

I’ve seen sometimes that the most irrational decisions turn out to be the best decisions we could have ever made (like as I am hearing from all of these wedding videos surfacing the Internet- Thanks Facebook).

On another note, the irrational decision could also be one of the biggest whoops of our lives as well. I feel like that is where the fear lies that keeps us from living out our dreams or what we desire out of life.

But like my Dad say’s “Even the bad is good”. At least that is what brings me ease when I make I really dumb decision or do not get something I want.

So for now, you can find me in the self-help section of your local library trying to listen to the words of other people who also have had no idea wtf they are doing.

The only thing that is bringing me comfort right now is looking back on other experiences I’ve had that, at the time, have defeated me and broke me.

What I do know and believe is this: All of the uncertainty and ugliness overtime will run its course; it will fade to the back of your memory and only seem like a bad dream. All of the stupid choices are made, so we have the knowledge to make smarter choices down the road. The brokenness will turn into beauty. Failure will lead you one step closer to success.

And so, I am telling myself that all of these doors slamming me in the face right now are actually leading me to a door I was not even expecting to open; a totally rad and magical door.

My hope is that all of these canceled plans turn into an unexpected and beautiful adventure.

Thanks for listening to a few thoughts weighing down on my chest. There will no doubt be more to come, but at least I have a space now where I can share them.

I can breathe a little easier now. If you yourself, were having a Monday mental breakdown and having a bitch fit at the universe and cried in the bathroom…Then hey babe, you’re not alone.

-Love, Leah La Rosa

P.S: Sorry if there are typos, I’m just a human 🙂

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